Hope you don't mind a few style questions. (feel free to ignore any or all, especially if you've decided "the song is done" or that I'm wrong, as I sometimes am).
S1,L4: Why "Men, elves, and Dwarves?" It seems a bit awkward on the tongue -- would a full reversal (Dwarves, Elves, and Men unite) work better?
S1, L5: Against the Shadow's might
The first word feels off, with the stresses in the wrong place; I'd almost prefer "'Gainst all the Shadow's Might".
Ch, L3: Frodo still carries the ring
-Totally- trivial, but the sixth sylable in the original is actually a word force of it's own; this preserves the original's scansion, but "Frodo still bears the ring" feels better to me and follows the logic of the tune better.
You have not fought in vain When you march forth again You shall be led by your king. I like!
Sauron we here defy Hoping to draw his eye Far from the one who'll decide our fate
Works, but I wonder if second person would work better here.
One day may tell the tale
"tell a tale", I think; to indicate that it's -not- this tale?
(when) courage of men shall fail That will not be this day, I swear Look on me now, Dark Lord Reforged (is) the broken sword (why the parenthetical "is" here?)
Thought you that Isildur had no heir? mnnnn. Though I think it changes the stresses on Is-IL-dur, doesn't it? *grumbles*. It's really cool, though. :( With the stresses the other way, it might be this, I guess: Know now that I am Isildur's heir
Also, back in the chorus, "Well spent the battle cost" is good, but I think I preferred what I used in -my- filk even for this -- "Well worth the battle cost." But either way, I'm not sure how this flows into the next line; might even be better to say Though large the battle cost All hope is not yet lost ...
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
momijizukamori
no subject
Date: 2004-02-24 12:33 pm (UTC)S1,L4: Why "Men, elves, and Dwarves?" It seems a bit awkward on the tongue -- would a full reversal (Dwarves, Elves, and Men unite) work better?
S1, L5: Against the Shadow's might
The first word feels off, with the stresses in the wrong place; I'd almost prefer "'Gainst all the Shadow's Might".
Ch, L3: Frodo still carries the ring
-Totally- trivial, but the sixth sylable in the original is actually a word force of it's own; this preserves the original's scansion, but "Frodo still bears the ring" feels better to me and follows the logic of the tune better.
You have not fought in vain
When you march forth again
You shall be led by your king.
I like!
Sauron we here defy
Hoping to draw his eye
Far from the one who'll decide our fate
Works, but I wonder if second person would work better here.
One day may tell the tale
"tell a tale", I think; to indicate that it's -not- this tale?
(when) courage of men shall fail
That will not be this day, I swear
Look on me now, Dark Lord
Reforged (is) the broken sword
(why the parenthetical "is" here?)
Thought you that Isildur had no heir?
mnnnn.
Though I think it changes the stresses on Is-IL-dur, doesn't it?
*grumbles*. It's really cool, though. :(
With the stresses the other way, it might be this, I guess:
Know now that I am Isildur's heir
Also, back in the chorus, "Well spent the battle cost" is good, but I think I preferred what I used in -my- filk even for this -- "Well worth the battle cost." But either way, I'm not sure how this flows into the next line; might even be better to say
Though large the battle cost
All hope is not yet lost
...