Ok, that makes enough sense -- I think the other works better for me -- I don't like landing on "Dwarves"; there's nowhere hard there, wheras "men" ends with a strong consonant rather than a sylibant.
Nod. I find it more comfortable the other way, so it's clearly just a case of different speech patterns. There's no meaningful difference between the two lines, do go with what's comfortable.
Allow me to explain -- it's a landing thing again. Against is (at least in north-eastern) pronounced "aGAINST", with a very strong stress on the second sylable and the first having no stress at all. But the part of the line where it lives is double-stressed -- "Muffled in yet to come" has a vocal hammer on "Muff" and "l'd", and even more of one in later verses ("Look on the damage done", "Far-off a wolf-pack hears").
I think Blake's suggestion of "Facing" is the best so far, and it is stronger than "Against", though I think the stress isn't as awkward to my southern ear as it is to your northern one. (Suthern folk talk funny). :)
The original does -- as I said, you're following the original (in this instance) perfectly. However, in the original, the "broken" is actually two sylables pushed into one; it would have worked just as well were it, say:
BEATen, and STIRRED and FRIED. :)
IMO, this is a case of the original song not scanning perflecty and getting away with it (as originals are wont to do, really), but milage can clearly vary. :)
Hrm. I don't know. The version I'm most familiar with (3WS amazing cover of the song), that line is very clear Dum-da-da-DUM-da-da-DUM. I still think my line works better in that case.
Ok, that makes sense, but I still think it's a touch weak. Not sure how it could be improved, though. Hmm.
"Sauron we will defy," maybe (or now)? I think my real objection with the phrase is the "here" -- it pulls me out of the illusion, not quite sure why.
Actually, I didn't realize in the first reading that you misenterpreted me slightly -- I mean that the entire thing could be turned around, ie: "Sauron, we you defy..." Clearly, the "we" is very important.
Ah, now I understand. It was originally "now", which I rejected because the word "now" appeared in the line just above it. I *do* like "will", however, and think that makes the line stronger. I wasn't especially happy with "here", but hadn't found a good replacement.
Butbut...that's my point.
What you have is:
One day may tell the tale (when) courage of men shall fail That will not be this day, I swear
But this indicates a specific tale about corrage of men failing. What I suggest is:
One day may tell a tale (when) courage of men shall fail That will not be this day, I swear
Which is actually a closer echo of the movie's line.
Ok, at this point, I think that you're seeing a semantic difference that I don't acknowlede -- it doesn't MATTER whether the future tale of the failing of the courage of men is mearly one tale among many or a specific tale -- they're both hypothetical situations. The point is that it shall not be THIS day. Further, "a tale" is awkward in the structure of the rhythm (at least, to my tongue).
This is another case of "I don't see it as a specific improvement, but it doesn't change the meaning, so if it's better for you, go ahead.
no subject
Nod. I find it more comfortable the other way, so it's clearly just a case of different speech patterns. There's no meaningful difference between the two lines, do go with what's comfortable.
Allow me to explain -- it's a landing thing again. Against is (at least
in north-eastern) pronounced "aGAINST", with a very strong stress on the second sylable and the first having no stress at all. But the part of the line where it lives is double-stressed -- "Muffled in yet to come" has a vocal hammer on "Muff" and "l'd", and even more of one in later verses ("Look on the damage done", "Far-off a wolf-pack hears").
I think Blake's suggestion of "Facing" is the best so far, and it is stronger than "Against", though I think the stress isn't as awkward to my southern ear as it is to your northern one. (Suthern folk talk funny). :)
The original does -- as I said, you're following the original (in this instance) perfectly. However, in the original, the "broken" is actually two sylables pushed into one; it would have worked just as well were it, say:
BEATen, and STIRRED and FRIED. :)
IMO, this is a case of the original song not scanning perflecty and getting away with it (as originals are wont to do, really), but milage can clearly vary. :)
Hrm. I don't know. The version I'm most familiar with (3WS amazing cover of the song), that line is very clear Dum-da-da-DUM-da-da-DUM. I still think my line works better in that case.
Ok, that makes sense, but I still think it's a touch weak. Not sure how it could be improved, though. Hmm.
"Sauron we will defy," maybe (or now)? I think my real objection with the phrase is the "here" -- it pulls me out of the illusion, not quite sure why.
Actually, I didn't realize in the first reading that you misenterpreted me slightly -- I mean that the entire thing could be turned around, ie:
"Sauron, we you defy..." Clearly, the "we" is very important.
Ah, now I understand. It was originally "now", which I rejected because the word "now" appeared in the line just above it. I *do* like "will", however, and think that makes the line stronger. I wasn't especially happy with "here", but hadn't found a good replacement.
Butbut...that's my point.
What you have is:
One day may tell the tale
(when) courage of men shall fail
That will not be this day, I swear
But this indicates a specific tale about corrage of men failing. What I suggest is:
One day may tell a tale
(when) courage of men shall fail
That will not be this day, I swear
Which is actually a closer echo of the movie's line.
Ok, at this point, I think that you're seeing a semantic difference that I don't acknowlede -- it doesn't MATTER whether the future tale of the failing of the courage of men is mearly one tale among many or a specific tale -- they're both hypothetical situations. The point is that it shall not be THIS day. Further, "a tale" is awkward in the structure of the rhythm (at least, to my tongue).
This is another case of "I don't see it as a specific improvement, but it doesn't change the meaning, so if it's better for you, go ahead.