S1,L4: Why "Men, elves, and Dwarves?" It seems a bit awkward on the tongue -- would a full reversal (Dwarves, Elves, and Men unite) work better?
For some reason, that feels more awkward to my tongue. This may be a difference in regional accent or something. Either works fine for purposes of performance.
S1, L5: Against the Shadow's might
The first word feels off, with the stresses in the wrong place; I'd almost prefer "'Gainst all the Shadow's Might".
Hrm. I don't see it, but again have on strenuous objection to it.
Ch, L3: Frodo still carries the ring
-Totally- trivial, but the sixth sylable in the original is actually a word force of it's own; this preserves the original's scansion, but "Frodo still bears the ring" feels better to me and follows the logic of the tune better.
Um, huh? This one I don't see at all.
The original has:
BEAT-en and BROK-en and BLIND FRO-do still CAR-ries the RING
I'm not hearing whatever you are hearing, apparently.
Sauron we here defy Hoping to draw his eye Far from the one who'll decide our fate
Works, but I wonder if second person would work better here.
For which part? you mean, "your fate" instead of "our fate"? If so, I disagree.
This song is the equivlant of the St. Cripsin's Day speech from Henry V. Aragorn is mustering his troops and boosting their morale, so it really needs to have that "we're all in this together" feel to it.
One day may tell the tale
"tell a tale", I think; to indicate that it's -not- this tale?
Again, this is just matter of preference. This line was modeled directly on Aragorn's line in the movie version of ROTK: "There may come a day when the courage of men shall fail, but it shall not be this day!"
Reforged (is) the broken sword (why the parenthetical "is" here?)
There are three parenthetical words in the song. They indicate places where a word is being slipped in on the offbeat. I note them that way so that I don't trip over them in perfomance. "Least of My Kind" has a very syncopated beat that is not forgiving of accidently getting the stresses in the wrong place. :)
When I sing this song, that is is almost swollowed on the end of the the syllable "-forged".
Thought you that Isildur had no heir? mnnnn. Though I think it changes the stresses on Is-IL-dur, doesn't it? *grumbles*. It's really cool, though. :( With the stresses the other way, it might be this, I guess: Know now that I am Isildur's heir
Ok, this is a case where you might be right, but I'm still going to pass on it...That last line is a *strong* echo to Cat's original, and I really don't want to lose it for the sake of pronunciation. I think it still works fine as written, even if the middle syllable of Isildur doesn't get quite as much stress as one might like.
Also, back in the chorus, "Well spent the battle cost" is good, but I think I preferred what I used in -my- filk even for this -- "Well worth the battle cost." But either way, I'm not sure how this flows into the next line; might even be better to say Though large the battle cost All hope is not yet lost
I toyed with this one a lot, and that was the best version I came up with. Your first suggestion doesn't flow well into the next line, as you note, and the second suggestion doesn't work for me for some reason -- it sounds awkward.
BTW, I hope that while I'm tossing these out, you do know that I really appreciate the time you took to write the critique. Even if I ultimately decide in the end that I like what I had in the first place better, it's *always* good to come and look at my work through a fresh pair of eyes. Thanks!!
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momijizukamori
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Date: 2004-02-24 01:04 pm (UTC)For some reason, that feels more awkward to my tongue. This may be a difference in regional accent or something. Either works fine for purposes of performance.
S1, L5: Against the Shadow's might
The first word feels off, with the stresses in the wrong place; I'd almost prefer "'Gainst all the Shadow's Might".
Hrm. I don't see it, but again have on strenuous objection to it.
Ch, L3: Frodo still carries the ring
-Totally- trivial, but the sixth sylable in the original is actually a word force of it's own; this preserves the original's scansion, but "Frodo still bears the ring" feels better to me and follows the logic of the tune better.
Um, huh? This one I don't see at all.
The original has:
BEAT-en and BROK-en and BLIND
FRO-do still CAR-ries the RING
I'm not hearing whatever you are hearing, apparently.
Sauron we here defy
Hoping to draw his eye
Far from the one who'll decide our fate
Works, but I wonder if second person would work better here.
For which part? you mean, "your fate" instead of "our fate"? If so, I disagree.
This song is the equivlant of the St. Cripsin's Day speech from Henry V. Aragorn is mustering his troops and boosting their morale, so it really needs to have that "we're all in this together" feel to it.
One day may tell the tale
"tell a tale", I think; to indicate that it's -not- this tale?
Again, this is just matter of preference. This line was modeled directly on Aragorn's line in the movie version of ROTK: "There may come a day when the courage of men shall fail, but it shall not be this day!"
Reforged (is) the broken sword
(why the parenthetical "is" here?)
There are three parenthetical words in the song. They indicate places where a word is being slipped in on the offbeat. I note them that way so that I don't trip over them in perfomance. "Least of My Kind" has a very syncopated beat that is not forgiving of accidently getting the stresses in the wrong place. :)
When I sing this song, that is is almost swollowed on the end of the the syllable "-forged".
Thought you that Isildur had no heir?
mnnnn.
Though I think it changes the stresses on Is-IL-dur, doesn't it?
*grumbles*. It's really cool, though. :(
With the stresses the other way, it might be this, I guess:
Know now that I am Isildur's heir
Ok, this is a case where you might be right, but I'm still going to pass on it...That last line is a *strong* echo to Cat's original, and I really don't want to lose it for the sake of pronunciation. I think it still works fine as written, even if the middle syllable of Isildur doesn't get quite as much stress as one might like.
Also, back in the chorus, "Well spent the battle cost" is good, but I think I preferred what I used in -my- filk even for this -- "Well worth the battle cost." But either way, I'm not sure how this flows into the next line; might even be better to say
Though large the battle cost
All hope is not yet lost
I toyed with this one a lot, and that was the best version I came up with. Your first suggestion doesn't flow well into the next line, as you note, and the second suggestion doesn't work for me for some reason -- it sounds awkward.
BTW, I hope that while I'm tossing these out, you do know that I really appreciate the time you took to write the critique. Even if I ultimately decide in the end that I like what I had in the first place better, it's *always* good to come and look at my work through a fresh pair of eyes. Thanks!!