My comments wouldn't fit into one comment, so I'm breaking them up a bit.
Reforged (is) the broken sword
(why the parenthetical "is" here?)
There are three parenthetical words in the song. They indicate places where a word is being slipped in on the offbeat.
Ah, I see; wasn't sure what you were doing with them. IMO, the song would actually be a bit stronger without some of them -- "Reforged the broken sword" is perfectly gramatical, frex.
I note them that way so that I don't trip over them in perfomance. "Least of My Kind" has a very syncopated beat that is not forgiving of accidently getting the stresses in the wrong place. :)
No kidding. One of the reasons I'm a bit of a scansion facist about it, at least for my own performance. :)
Ok, this is a case where you might be right, but I'm still going to pass on it...That last line is a *strong* echo to Cat's original, and I really don't want to lose it for the sake of pronunciation. I think it still works fine as written, even if the middle syllable of Isildur doesn't get quite as much stress as one might like.
It does, yes. Actually, thinkng about it, it slightly reverses the stresses (singing the phrase naturally, "is" gets more stress than "il", which in turn gets more than "dur"). But it does work, and the echo is worthwhile.
Also, back in the chorus, "Well spent the battle cost" is good, but I think I preferred what I used in -my- filk even for this -- "Well worth the battle cost." But either way, I'm not sure how this flows into the next line; might even be better to say
Though large the battle cost All hope is not yet lost
I toyed with this one a lot, and that was the best version I came up with. Your first suggestion doesn't flow well into the next line, as you note, and the second suggestion doesn't work for me for some reason -- it sounds awkward.
Note that your original doesn't flow any better into the next line.
I -think- the problem with sug. #2 was the "though large" -- it's the first word doesn't take the stress very well at all. But I'm not all that happy with the original either (but then, I don't have to be; it's your song. :)
BTW, I hope that while I'm tossing these out, you do know that I really appreciate the time you took to write the critique. Even if I ultimately decide in the end that I like what I had in the first place better, it's *always* good to come and look at my work through a fresh pair of eyes. Thanks!!
Absolutely -- it's an enjoyable conversation regardless! And, of course, if I do borrow the song, having a conversation on the various pros and minuses (and decisions involved in them) can give me a better idea of what I actually -want- to change.
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momijizukamori
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Date: 2004-02-24 02:01 pm (UTC)Ah, I see; wasn't sure what you were doing with them. IMO, the song would actually be a bit stronger without some of them -- "Reforged the broken sword" is perfectly gramatical, frex.
No kidding. One of the reasons I'm a bit of a scansion facist about it, at least for my own performance. :)
It does, yes. Actually, thinkng about it, it slightly reverses the stresses (singing the phrase naturally, "is" gets more stress than "il", which in turn gets more than "dur"). But it does work, and the echo is worthwhile.
Note that your original doesn't flow any better into the next line.
I -think- the problem with sug. #2 was the "though large" -- it's the first word doesn't take the stress very well at all. But I'm not all that happy with the original either (but then, I don't have to be; it's your song. :)
Absolutely -- it's an enjoyable conversation regardless! And, of course, if I do borrow the song, having a conversation on the various pros and minuses (and decisions involved in them) can give me a better idea of what I actually -want- to change.